Thank you all for all of your prayers and well-wishes.

My grandma's service was lovely. I hope to get some time to do a proper post. There's a lot to get out.

I miss her.

We packed up Tuesday to head home, and then we realized that our farm closing was this Friday. Today! So we headed to Missouri to be there in person. We even made it in time for Josh to be present for the inspection. Our most major issue is that we'll have to redo the septic. I can't seem to get away from the icky streams! We're still going to buy it...today at 4 pm central time. Woot.

I'm glad we're here in person, but I really wish it hadn't taken grandma's death to get my ass out here. :/

Well, just thought I'd keep you posted. Hopefully I'll see everyone again soon.

Here is a post that is not just about finances or house buying. I've been preoccupied lately, so I'm trying to stay connected.

* They say money doesn't buy happiness, but since we've gotten the money and started shopping for our dream-farm, I have to say that my depression is waning. I still get very sad and feel guilty about being excited. I'm also sad & feel guilty that I never got to go do the vision quest I was planning, and now suddenly it's fall here in the mountains. I'm going to start meditating again, and I think I'm going to make Josh take us up to Sam's Knob and let me have at least a full day walking around by myself before we leave.

* I've gotten the house mostly back in order from our trips, and I've been a good little Flybaby each day while Josh is as work. I'm culling through our things and we will soon (today?) be in the packing stage. I'm being optimistic and seeing the house thing go through.

* Amidst all this madness, I'm considering trying NaNoWriMo yet again. I've never hit 50,000, but I've always had fun and gotten a bit further in my WonderSaga. I would hopefully be in the throws of moving, but we'll see.

* It occurred to me that if my story were ever a movie, I'd want that guy who plays Sam Winchester to play my favorite character. Now I'm fangirling over my own character.

* I did an intro post in the NaNoWriMo community, and I wrote the sentence “I'm recovering from grief by making all of my dreams come true.” I think this is very apt, and it might become my new mantra.

* If this Missouri house thing doesn't work out, it will be time for me to register our homeschool here in NC. I've been holding off, hoping we'd move first. Eden is six and a half now, so if we don't move in the next month or two, I'll have to go through the red tape here.

* She just showed me her drawing notebook. She has lots of pictures of the family, including all the animals. She also has lots of pictures of me and Josh riding motorcycles. I thought that was awesome.

* I feel mom a lot lately. Nothing specific; I just feel her around. I'm glad for that.

I would love to hear what your favorite manifestation technique is.

I'm a very visual person, so I like making vision boards & manifestation grids. Vision boards are basically like big collages of things that symbolize your goals. A manifestation grid is the same thing, with the addition of adding reiki symbols. You can draw symbols (CKR & DKM are the ones I usually use, though often I will throw in a HSZSN vertically and horizontally). This also prompts you to put added energy towards your goals every time you pass by or glance at it.

What do you do when you really want to see something come to fruition in your life?

I'm reading Naamah's Kiss! It's so far awesome.

( Spoilers )

This weekend, my good friends tru2myart and moonstone_fae are Blogging for the Cure.

Sunday, several folks are going to be blogging every hour to raise money for Relay for Life. Tru and her daughters will be doing a charity walk next month.

Please check them out. They're both awesome writers and a day full of their insight promises to be fun all around. If you can spare a bit for the cause, that would be awesome of you too. If you want to participate, better hurry! I'm considering it, but we'll be having a first slumber party so it may just be the wrong weekend for me.

Ordinarily, today would be my birthday. Not today though, not really. I renounced it.

It's unconventional, I know. I've gotten several wonderful birthday wishes, and I'm very grateful and surprised to be remembered.

Why would someone renounce their birthday? It started as a joke, really. When Josh and I were picking wedding dates, we were waffling between April and May. Now, my mom's birthday was always right before Christmas, and quite frankly she always got gypped on presents. I joked that with our anniversary, Mother's Day, and my birthday all within a couple weeks of each other, maybe I'd just change my birthday.

Then everything with mom happened. Happy, overly-celebratory May kind of soured. Now our anniversary and Mother's Day will always be tied with her death. There's no way out of that. I think I actually forgot my birthday last year until Josh wished it to me. It sucked. People called for well-wishes, but everyone was still crying. It was just another anti-climactic day. Mom had always said birthdays didn't really matter once you got older. They're all just the same.

So, something about that little joke stayed with me and I decided it was a damned good idea. Josh and I actually argued for several months about this. He says it's a bit idiotic and you can't just up and change your birthday. Legally, I suppose he's right. I look at it like changing my name when I got married, though. Everything did change, and I'm a new Amanda. May is so overwhelmingly sad. Our anniversary, and Mother's Day (which she actually died on) will never ever again be as happy as they should be. I renounced the whole damned month, really. If there's supposed to be one day that's supposed to be about celebrating and happiness and partying - for me - then I should get to pick a day that can be that.

It's liberating, really. Since I renounced it last year, I dedicated 2009 to The Year of the Birthday. I have to test-run these things to make sure I'm making an informed decision. Here's my criteria:

1. Not May

2. Nice weather, preferably grill weather (I got spoiled on Memorial Day weekend, what can I say? Of course, it's pouring today, so there you go.)

3. Can't use anyone living's birthday, unless they offer it

4. It has to gel astrologically – either with what I currently am, or with what I'd like to manifest into my life. For birth chart purposes, I'll still stick with having been born in Davenport at 4:20 pm.

So far I've had one test-birthday. I celebrated on April 27, which is a month early and was actually my due date. We had an absolute gorgeous day, and we went up to my sacred spot. I've considered myself twenty-eight since that first birthday this year.

I'm considering trying out June 3. It's just a week later, so still in the ballpark. Since I'm definitely very Gemini, I would just be switching months. I may try June 10, too, just to have another celebration. I was originally born on a Wednesday, which lines up this year, so I should try out the Wednesdays in my area. Lyz suggested I use Papa's birthday since he's not using his anymore. That was mom's dad, and his birthday was June 25 – right in between Lyz's and Josh's. I'm not sure if Josh wants me encroaching on his birthday, though.

My options are open. I'll be holding auditions through, I don't know, maybe October. I considered switching to my half-birthday, but it's too close to Thanksgiving and my ex-stepdad's birthday, so the Gemini-Sagittarius nemesis thing resonates for me. Better to stay clear of the holidays, although Halloween has always been my favorite, so I wouldn't mind snagging some of that.

So there you have it. And if I've inspired any of you to seek your own liberation, feel free to use May 27. It's open. There really is a benefit to having it both near Memorial Day weekend most of the time and at the end of the school year. It served me well for twenty-six years. I think I will do a little “thank you and goodbye” ceremony tonight, just to complete the circle. I'll let you know when we officially ring in the new one.

As those of you on my facebook learned yesterday, Eden managed to stick her face into a patch of poison ivy on our hike. She woke up yesterday with her poor face covered in it. Lots of Calagel and reiki/prayers/good thoughts really made it look much better before she went to bed.

And in her sleep, she couldn't help but scratch. Not only is it still on her face, she also now has a small trail running all the way down her body.

Please give her a little more of that good healing energy. I'll be washing her sheets in hot water again, and heading to the store soon to get her some benadryl.

We've been married for one year today. At this time last year, I still didn't even know if we were going to get married.

After rereading my marriage story, which was first shared in a friends-locked post here, I decided to share it again to mark the occasion. I'll keep this posted publicly, at least for a little while, so some of my non-lj friends and family can read it if they like. I can share it a little more now.


( Quite long )

( Pictures )

(I'm trying to post more; can you tell?)

I've been in a pretty creative groove lately. I don't know if it's maybe because I've been sticking to my Flying and movement makes me motivated. Blood and oxygen flowing back to the brain and whatnot. Whatever the reason, over the past few weeks I've dug out my NaNo WonderSaga and started working on it yet again.

I've revamped my idea and simplified it quite a bit. This meant redoing my spaceship plans, but I enjoy world building and I think drawing initially kick-started the writing. So far I just completed phase one last night, which is my rough draft of the ship. It's now one torus divided into six regional sections (not counting null-g), and I've a rough idea of the main city, waterways, forests, farms, etc. I've pinpointed where each character I have so far lives. I copied my character info from last year and have started inputting extras that I'd overlooked.

As soon as I've filled out my torus with the bare bones of who needs to run it, I'll actually start writing. I may start with character bios or vignettes at first and just kind of get a feel for the world. Most of you fine folks who gave me permission to immortalize you now have a little spot of your own on Akupara.

I'm a co-administrator of the Women Writing in Asheville meetup group. (My buddy cranesinmybrain is the main mod.) Tomorrow will be my second time leading the group. We've been hearing a lot of good stories lately, and I'm going to try to have something written to share. If I don't make it by tomorrow, definitely by the next meetup.

On January 31, I wrote a friends-locked post titled Here's the Thing: I Have One Fat Ass. Out of that post came my community fitfriends, which is now in it's 15th week. After two months, we started over again from the beginning.

This is what I looked like at Christmas, a month before I started fitfriends:



This is what I looked like yesterday, which pissed me off when I saw it:



Not so good.

I've made some very healthy changes. I drink at least two big glasses of water every day now, and I'm clearing up my sinuses with the help of a neti pot, and I'm getting out of bed most days and doing something around the house or yard.

But I'm still snacking too much, and drinking way too much (which is a huge part of the problem, I believe). I still have awful trouble with my depression, which leaves me unmotivated and I tend to wallow and eat on my all-too-often “off days”.

Luckily for me, I've started getting back on track this past week and a half or so. Even when I can't find my motivation or energy, I set the timer and do something. Most of this has been focused on getting my house back in order. Now it's time to buckle down and really get me back in order. Flylady really helps me in so many ways, and it's working out just right now. My house is more tolerable, and Flylady has declared the May habit-of-the-month to be “Moving in May.” In April, I've made my bed everyday – and Josh has gotten up and covered it on many an off-day. I can really tell what a difference it's made in both of our attitudes after just a couple weeks. Well, for May I resolve to finally get myself together and, like thousands of other flybabies everywhere, I'll dedicate at least fifteen minutes a day to moving and getting healthier.

I've been stretching more, and occasionally working in the garden or taking a family hike. Well the weather is definitely nicer now, and there's no excuse to be glooming around the house all day. And I have to say, that tv show “Biggest Loser: Couples” has really been helping motivate me to do something about my predicament. Looking at their before and after pictures of their last sixteen weeks – they look freaking awesome, and here I can't stop gaining! But yes I can. I will. The very least I can do is work out for fifteen minutes every day and see if that helps my energy and mental/spiritual levels.

I've been looking at this site, Cool Running: The Couch-to-5k Running Plan, which is a two-month commitment. I like walking, and I always wished I could run (isn't that great?). I hate working out in front of people, but going for a walk/run will be good for me – and Achaiah, if I take her chubby butt along. I also have been trying to get back to being able to do push ups and sit ups. It's heartbreaking that I can't anymore. So in addition to walking actively again, I'm going to get in “drop and give me 20” shape again. My arms start buckling around four these days. That's sad.

I thought I was dedicated before. Well I'm really dedicated now. I've bitten the bullet and posted before-fat-ass-pics. I promise to move every day in May, even my bad days. I will make real weekly goals that challenge me.

Feel free to make this jump with me! Can you dedicate yourself to fifteen minutes of healthy movement every day for one month? If you want, come over to fitfriends, where I'm so lucky to get a lot of feedback and support. Feel free to check in on me. I owe you a picture on May 31.

Greetings, Fellow Travellers

Sep. 11th, 2005 at 11:38 PM


I am just another seeker on the path. This journal will be used to keep record of my travels. We all have something to share.

I'll try to keep this as positive as I can. Creation is made by thoughts-words-deeds. This is where I will share my thoughts, putting them into words, and hopefully create something positive. If I revert to a diatribe of self-pity, forgive me. We all wander off the path occasionally.

I am Ahavah. I am a Stay-At-Home-Mom: a doula, Reiki Master, and writer. I just had baby # 2. As so often happens with life-changing events, I've had to take stock of where I am and where I want to be. I think sometimes we all have a tendency to forget Who We Really Are. By keeping this log, I aspire to be a bit more mindful. By exploring my journey here, keeping track of my goals, and sharing it with you, I have the added impetus of public accountability.

And most importantly, though we each have our own paths, we do not travel alone. I'm going to put myself out here for anyone who's interested (or unfortunate enough to stumble upon it...) If something speaks to you, or if you have insights of suggestions to share, please do so. Our paths have now crossed. Maybe we'll walk together a little ways.

Well, tomorrow is the trial of the unrepentant mother-killer. This will be the end of the first part at least, and we (me and my sisters) will finally be able to get up and speak to him. Boy, do I have a lot to say.

Please be with us and lend us your prayers and energy. I just want to see justice done. It's not likely that he'll get jail time, maybe just lose his license for a year, so I don't know why he's being so difficult about it. This has been so hard, but I've been trying to get my heart back in the right place.

I miss my mom. I want to do right by her, and I want the system to do right by her.

I've had the roughest year ever, and part of that roughness was the loss of my spiritual home. Both of them, really, if you count church and mom – and maybe I should. I've been slowly but surely getting back on track. However, I think it's time to take advantage of that 'wherever two or more gather' energy and get back on my spiritual track right now.

I've really only celebrated Lent once before, and that was years ago. (I 'gave up' cussing.) Mostly this round, I want to focus on my inner healing, like I imagine Jesus did during his forty day fast. I'm kind of a metaphysical Christian. I don't necessarily think Jesus was 'tempted by Satan'. I think everyone has their demons, and he faced his and overcame them and became a vehicle for the Christ spirit. So I want to face mine and overcome them, and hopefully get more aligned with the Christ spirit.

An interesting thing about Lent that I only learned last year, or perhaps it was the year before, was that the Sundays during Lent don't actually count. They're feast days. This awareness may help me stick with my own program for forty days, knowing that you're actually supposed to have a day of respite and celebration each week.

As part of my fitfriends community, I've been making goals to focus on each week and have slowly been integrating more healthy habits into my life. One of the things I've been doing is logging my food intake, and I'm trying to learn about healthier diets and make changes that I and my family can stick with. My Lent project will overlap this a bit, and I'm going to be focusing on both physical and spiritual changes.

Here are my Lenten goals:

1. Wean myself from coffee/caffeine in preparation for fasting
2. Start baking more healthy desserts to replace Little Debbie addiction
3. Eat more immune-boosting foods
4. Increase my water intake
5. Practice portion control
6. Fast Easter weekend

7. Do a Reiki self-healing every day
8. Stretch daily
9. Meditate for at least 5 minutes daily
10. Meditate with the sunrise & with the moon at least once a week
11. Perform a healing for someone else, or for Gaia, daily
12. Study and honor Jesus daily

I never felt old, before last year.

I found my first silver hair in August 2006. I remember this, because I was driving to Florida for ladysmith's birth and I found a beautiful shiny thread on the upper left of my head. I loved it. I always thought I would look great with salt-and-pepper – or even silver or grey! - hair.

My mom was one of those women who fear and hate aging. She never celebrated her birthdays, and I couldn't understand it. She cried when she turned forty. Actually, she may have cried at thirty, too. It always made me sad, and I said I'd never feel that way about getting older. I enjoy the thought of getting older, torn between the vision of aging gracefully like an infinitely wise crone and being the crazy lady who screams expletives and chases children past her yard with a potato launcher. Either way, I look forward to it.

That said, I didn't expect it to happen so darn quickly. I also remember the first time I actually felt old. It was May 9, 2008. My wedding day. I was dressing and putting on make-up in the hospital bathroom, a private one I had scoped out for just this occasion. It had that wonderful florescent lighting that let me see each and every crevice in my face. There were more crevices since I'd first arrived after mom's accident. By the time I was in the unforgiving bathroom, preparing for my marriage ceremony, we'd already made the decision to pull life support the next day. I took a deep breath and looked at myself, and it wasn't my normal face. Everyone always said I looked like mom with dark hair. When I took a breath and looked at myself that day, I looked like Grandma with dark hair.

Those grief-lines have abated a bit, or maybe I just wear them better. If you'll recall, my sisters and I went out for a salon day afterwards and got cut, colored, the works. They hadn't noticed, but I'd noticed that during that long week, my one silver hair had turned into a head full of grey. I recently cut my hair again, but I wanted to cut the color out, not touch it up. Some of my highlights are still there. My first bright silver hair is back. I stopped at Tina's house Friday after going to the laywer's, just to drop off some of her things I'd gotten from mom's. I only stayed a minute. As she hugged me goodbye, Tina gasped and her chin dropped. She reached out, grabbed it, and whispered, “You have a silver hair!” I totally saw her thoughts ripple across her face. First she was shocked to see it, then she looked at me and realized for the first time that I had aged, and then she realized that meant she had aged. (Her birthday is next week, only twenty-five. Still, I know I read it right.)

I laughed and said, “I had that one a while ago, remember? There are more, but I think they're still colored at the moment.” She just nodded and said quietly, “I remember. Sorry, I was just surprised.”

“I know.”

But today...oh God, today, I believe I went and threw my back out. I bent over and lifted one leg to put through my panties, and boy, that was IT. My lower back on my right side just spasmed uncontrollably and I had to grab the bathroom counter to catch myself. It reminded me of when I was in labor with Ivy. I couldn't stand back up. I managed to finish dressing and stumbled to fall on my bed. We had to go to the store, as we were nearly out of most things but especially toilet paper, so we went to Walmart and tried to stock up on some of the cheaper things. I thought walking a bit would help, and at first it did, but after I sat down to drive home, it was so excruciatingly worse when I got out of the car. Josh tried to get me to buy a freaking cane to help me in Walmart and I refused to do it, and now I'm wishing I had. Maybe I'd be House-sexy.

I am not an infinitely wise old crone yet, and with this pain, I'm certainly not up for chasing anyone with potato launchers. Right now I'm a twenty-seven year old girl who feels like an eighty year old woman. I hurt. And my crevices are coming back.

My dear buddy miintikwa is doing a One Card Tarot Draw in memory of her beloved kitty, Ginee. You should check her out. She offers readings professionally, but sometimes she'll just do something cool like this for her readers.

This week's therealljidol topic was chosen by my f-list. Thanks, guys!


I'm a Christian, but I'm certainly not your mainstream Christian. When I went to church, I went to a Unity Church, although I now do my celebrating at home. My personal rituals are a mixture of many different techniques – my Christian background comes into play, as does Medicine Reiki, shamanism... Really anything I've picked up somewhere that has personally resonated, I use.

When we left our church, it became really important to me to include my daughters in my spiritual activities. I've tried to raise them with an understanding and respect for God and Universe. Kids get these things; they really do. Maybe not on deep philosophical levels, but Spirit resonates for children just as well as adults. My children are five and three, and we've been discussing God and life since (before) they were born.

At first, I tried introducing an altar to bring some conscious honoring into our daily lives. Moms, I'm sure you can guess what happened. Our little table (er, upside-down banana box), so lovingly set up with print, crystals, sticks from our faerie tree, and little bowls of rice and water, quickly became the hot spot for books, dirty clothes, tiny McDonald's toys, and extra crayons. Rather than lovingly taking our offerings out to the faerie tree each day, I found myself ritually picking rice out of my carpet and shooing the cat away to her own water.

The altar was cleared off, turned upside down, and became a giveaway box for all the extra toys that had previously been piled upon it.

I still haven't given up, though. For a while, I got slack about my own spirituality – our spirituality. Seeing my kids continue to struggle as badly as me after my momma's death really made me realize that I needed to get our family back on track.

We had our first “family ritual” on Winter Solstice. Josh doesn't often join me in such endeavors, but we planned this one together. It was a Healing Ceremony for the girls, and no mistake! One of the important things about creating your own ceremonies is that you really need to have a set intention. It's almost all about intention. With that one, I wanted to make sure it was something that would engage my children: we made a big fire outside, drew out all of our darkness that we wanted to release, and went out as a family to throw them to the flames together. Afterwards, we filled in that empty spot with the sweetness of roasted marshmallows.

My kids have been healthily happy ever since. It wasn't a miracle cure for grief, that's for sure, but even children are empowered by taking their healing into their own hands.

That ceremony was quite a success, and the girls have asked us to do them more often. I'm so glad that they're excited about it! And we homeschool, so I'm excited about the educational aspects as well as the spiritual and bonding aspects.

My youngest, Ivy, has been having some health issues lately. Tonight, we're holding a healing ceremony for her. I understand that ritual is also important, but I don't want our ceremonies to be the same every time. I like to ask them to check in with their hearts and determine what feels right and needed.

As mom, I get to do the same. For instance, I've explained why it's so important to me that we clean up the room before we ceremony in it. We must bless our house and clear the space for the energy to move. The girls pitch in, usually with minimum griping. (It really helps to call it “blessing the house” and not “cleaning the house”.)

We used purifying fire last time, so I thought we'd center around a different element this time. I want to make a healing oil to anoint her with. My kids love that sort of thing. I've caught them making potions with my bath salts and bubbles before. I plan on pouring a little oil into a bowl and letting them add whatever herbs they feel will give Ivy healing power.

When we're ready, I'm going to let Ivy smudge the room with Sweetgrass, and then Eden may smudge the people with Sage. Kids love smudging! We'll consecrate a blanket for the floor, to lay on. All of us will say a little prayer for Ivy and anoint her with oil, then she'll lay down and we'll do a nice family Reiki session for her.

If the kids are in the mood for anything else, we'll do that too. Ceremony is all about moving with the Spirit, after all!

I do have a more devious plot than marshmallows this time. The doctor told Ivy that she needs to work on drinking more water and eating more vegetables if she wants to be healthy. So after Ivy's healing portion is done, we'll move to the kitchen where the girls can smudge the squash I have in the fridge (it really needs to get eaten up), and I'll even teach them how to chop them. We'll pour the rest of the unused, health-imbued oil into a pan and saute up some veggies! I've learned that once children cook it themselves, they'll really eat anything.

The trick about including kids in ceremonies is that is needs to be fun, and it doesn't hurt for there to be an immediate reward of some sort. It doesn't have to be sweets – it's as easy as mom or dad saying, “Hey, your energy was awesome tonight!” Try it different ways. Let the children lead if they have ideas of their own.

It's fun. It should be fun. Still, before you begin, it's important to invoke Sacred Space in some way. Children will respect Sacred Space. In fact, I personally feel that it's quite important to teach them how to center into that still space while they're still young. Do it through breathing, saying a prayer, or simply standing together, holding hands.

Always close out and end with gratitude. Phrase it in a powerful way: “Thank you for Ivy's health and wholeness!” rather than “Thank you for helping our poor, sick girl.” If you've called in your guardian angels or guides, thank them for their support. Thank each other, especially if someone did something that really moved you.

Plan ahead of time, because children have notoriously short attention spans and will likely give up the ceremony idea if they're waiting around for you. At the same time, be willing to abandon your plans if your children take you in a different direction. If you're introducing a new concept, like anointing, explain how different religions have used this technique over the centuries. If you've just made something up and thrown it together, at least explain why you felt drawn to do it that way. Explain to them in simple terms what it means to “focus in your heart, and not your head” or to call in your guides.

Ceremonies don't need to last a long time, and they don't have to be 'just so' or they won't work. Let Spirit move through you and show how people can easily work with Spirit. If your candle won't stay lit, laugh and say, “Guess Universe wants us to use more air than fire, eh?” If your pet jumps in the middle of things, thank her for coming to lend her energies. Ceremonies at home are perfect places for giggles! It shouldn't be a sit-down-and-shush situation. Remember to always end on a happy note. And have those kids help you lovingly put everything away afterwards!


This is my week 17 entry for therealljidol. If you enjoyed it &/or found it helpful, please vote for me when the polls open tonight or tomorrow. Thank you!

Tonight I will be Journeying for a friend. It's been a while since I Journeyed, and even longer since I did so for someone else. Last time, it was difficult for me to “get into” it. I've been trying to get in the proper headspace all day.

I cleaned up my house a little today, made sure to vacuum. It's cold outside, so I'll have to do it inside and I lay on the floor. I always wait until everyone else is asleep and the house is quiet.

Since it's so late, I've had a bit of coffee to help keep me awake and alert enough for it. I tend to relax all too easily into etheric space, and I don't want to fall asleep. I'll eat a little bit beforehand too, but not so much as to ground me unnecessarily.

I let the Reiki flow throughout the day, and I'll do a self-healing ahead of time to relax and get ready. I'll probably smudge, either with Sage or Sweetgrass as Spirit moves me. I invite all of our totems and guides to participate. Once I feel centered in sacred space, I'll start the cd and begin. I like to Journey to Sandra Ingerman's drumming cd, and I usually do two tracks.

What do you do to prepare for your spiritual rituals?

I GOT TICKETS!!!!!

Humor is sexy. So many of my friends went for the “bad boys”, but I've always went for the ones who made me laugh. As I mused over this week's therealljidol topic, Cracking Up, it occurred to me that seven out of ten boyfriends were chosen because of humor. (Two, desperation, and one was a dare for the both of us.) I couldn't even tell you how many of my unrequited loves were due to their sense of humor, but far more than for looks or skill, I can tell you that.

I remember my first real boyfriend and the exact moment I realized I liked him as more than a friend. We rode the bus together, and I got on that morning crying over something my stepfather had done. He immediately jumped up and moved seats, to sit across from me and make me laugh. I still consider it one of the sweetest things a man has ever done for me.

My husband has made me laugh every single day we've been together. Even before we were dating, his laugh was my favorite thing about him. And I know we make some darn cute babies, but it's how we all laugh together that really makes me love my family.

Kids are even better than funny men, in my opinion, because they're not trying to be funny. Their funny is the purest form of it. To me, nothing is better than Eden declaring that Vicks VapoRub smells like volcano, or Ivy coming in from the snow and declaring, “Brr! I'm frozen salad!” I don't even think I would have kept our cat Cinder if she didn't make me laugh every now and then.

So on the topic of humor, it really just boils down to one thing for me:

Smile more often. It makes you look beautiful.

I hate starting posts with definitions, but since there are several ways of looking at this word, I wanted to narrow it down to one to focus on. This is the one that seems to stand out for me:

Having a decided purpose; determined; resolved; fixed in a determination; hence, bold; firm; steady.

I had a decided purpose once, but boy, 2008 really set me back a bit. If I look at this word and myself honestly, I just plain wasn't determined, resolved, or steady. In fact, 2008 has probably been my worst year ever, when it was supposed to be my best.

After seven years and a beautiful family, Josh and I finally got married. But the week of my wedding, mom had her accident. Even though we got married anyway, and I love him more than ever for it, the hardest thing in the world was standing there committing our lives together while my mom's was seeping away, knowing we'd put off a honeymoon to pull life support instead. She died on Mother's Day, and our church, where Josh worked, saw fit to 'let him go' the day after. Then our car broke. I don't believe I've ever had a lower point in my life, not even when I was homeless.

I didn't care about purpose at all. I had just started my own Reiki school, and I stopped doing that completely. I couldn't care less about finding doula clients, and I know my recertification isn't all that far off. I've almost completely abandoned my Mission 101 list, and it's due to end in May. I look at my goals, and I still want to do most of those things, but...I just don't care.

I should. What happened to my decided purpose?

My Solstice and healing ceremonies helped. I have left the darkness behind, and I move into 2009 with a clean slate. That's really why I don't want to move on with those goals of the past. I need a fresh start. Maybe I'll make another goal list, but it will be a rededication to what's important to me. I cannot have lists of old 'Musts' holding over my head if I want a new beginning.

So today, on the first, I start with just one. I wrote my Personal Mission Statement several years ago now, but it's been so long since I focused on it that I can barely remember it. That is the first thing I want written on my clean slate. Right now I have only one resolution: To return to my path, and keep going.



My Personal Mission Statement

I am a Divine precipitation,
dedicated to remembering and exemplifying Truth,
and to glorifying God with all of my thoughts, words, & deeds.





This is my entry for this week's therealljidol topic. If you enjoyed it, please consider voting for me. I'm in the last tribe. Thanks!