Ordinarily, today would be my birthday. Not today though, not really. I renounced it.

It's unconventional, I know. I've gotten several wonderful birthday wishes, and I'm very grateful and surprised to be remembered.

Why would someone renounce their birthday? It started as a joke, really. When Josh and I were picking wedding dates, we were waffling between April and May. Now, my mom's birthday was always right before Christmas, and quite frankly she always got gypped on presents. I joked that with our anniversary, Mother's Day, and my birthday all within a couple weeks of each other, maybe I'd just change my birthday.

Then everything with mom happened. Happy, overly-celebratory May kind of soured. Now our anniversary and Mother's Day will always be tied with her death. There's no way out of that. I think I actually forgot my birthday last year until Josh wished it to me. It sucked. People called for well-wishes, but everyone was still crying. It was just another anti-climactic day. Mom had always said birthdays didn't really matter once you got older. They're all just the same.

So, something about that little joke stayed with me and I decided it was a damned good idea. Josh and I actually argued for several months about this. He says it's a bit idiotic and you can't just up and change your birthday. Legally, I suppose he's right. I look at it like changing my name when I got married, though. Everything did change, and I'm a new Amanda. May is so overwhelmingly sad. Our anniversary, and Mother's Day (which she actually died on) will never ever again be as happy as they should be. I renounced the whole damned month, really. If there's supposed to be one day that's supposed to be about celebrating and happiness and partying - for me - then I should get to pick a day that can be that.

It's liberating, really. Since I renounced it last year, I dedicated 2009 to The Year of the Birthday. I have to test-run these things to make sure I'm making an informed decision. Here's my criteria:

1. Not May

2. Nice weather, preferably grill weather (I got spoiled on Memorial Day weekend, what can I say? Of course, it's pouring today, so there you go.)

3. Can't use anyone living's birthday, unless they offer it

4. It has to gel astrologically – either with what I currently am, or with what I'd like to manifest into my life. For birth chart purposes, I'll still stick with having been born in Davenport at 4:20 pm.

So far I've had one test-birthday. I celebrated on April 27, which is a month early and was actually my due date. We had an absolute gorgeous day, and we went up to my sacred spot. I've considered myself twenty-eight since that first birthday this year.

I'm considering trying out June 3. It's just a week later, so still in the ballpark. Since I'm definitely very Gemini, I would just be switching months. I may try June 10, too, just to have another celebration. I was originally born on a Wednesday, which lines up this year, so I should try out the Wednesdays in my area. Lyz suggested I use Papa's birthday since he's not using his anymore. That was mom's dad, and his birthday was June 25 – right in between Lyz's and Josh's. I'm not sure if Josh wants me encroaching on his birthday, though.

My options are open. I'll be holding auditions through, I don't know, maybe October. I considered switching to my half-birthday, but it's too close to Thanksgiving and my ex-stepdad's birthday, so the Gemini-Sagittarius nemesis thing resonates for me. Better to stay clear of the holidays, although Halloween has always been my favorite, so I wouldn't mind snagging some of that.

So there you have it. And if I've inspired any of you to seek your own liberation, feel free to use May 27. It's open. There really is a benefit to having it both near Memorial Day weekend most of the time and at the end of the school year. It served me well for twenty-six years. I think I will do a little “thank you and goodbye” ceremony tonight, just to complete the circle. I'll let you know when we officially ring in the new one.

Our first anniversary was really wonderful. Josh was actually in charge of the whole thing, and it was so nice to have him taking care of the day and excited about planning surprises for me. lahermite was kind enough to keep our kids for the night, so we had over 24 hours of kidless fun. We were supposed to go camping together, for the first time ever, but it keeps thunder-storming so that's been put on hold.

Josh wanted to get me a present, but since there's been no movement on the job front, I told him just going out on a real date was enough and not to waste money on me. Josh said, “Oh, I've got to get you something. Don't worry, you won't even be able to see it leave the account.” I knew he was up to something. Apparently he's been squirreling away money for some time, and he surprised me with a set of black pearls. I got a necklace, bracelet, and earrings. I adore black pearls, and I've always wanted some. They're so pretty!

After dropping the kids off in Hot Springs, we drove back to Asheville and went tent shopping. We have one small one, but we're trying to price family tents for the summer &/or our impending move. So we went shopping, marveling at how swiftly we were able to stop at several places. It's amazing what you can accomplish on time without two little ones to cart about! We even ended up catching an earlier movie than planned. We saw Wolverine, which was fairly good, and then went out to eat at Carrabba's. I'd been there before and enjoyed it, and have tried taking Josh on several occasions but it never worked out. Josh actually called and made our reservation days earlier, which is a first in our eight year relationship! It's a good thing, too, because come to find out, it was prom night.

Carrabba's was actually a pretty big disappointment, but that seems to be our karma whenever I get Josh to try a new place. I still had fun anyway, because Josh was all manly and sweet and ordered for me like we were an old married couple. He knew this week had been really hard for me, and he worked hard to make sure our anniversary was fun and happy. We talked about mom and our marriage a bit, but mostly we just talked about happy things. Josh makes me laugh.

I told him our day made up for not having any real anniversaries all those years, but that now he's set the bar pretty high for the rest of them.

We've been married for one year today. At this time last year, I still didn't even know if we were going to get married.

After rereading my marriage story, which was first shared in a friends-locked post here, I decided to share it again to mark the occasion. I'll keep this posted publicly, at least for a little while, so some of my non-lj friends and family can read it if they like. I can share it a little more now.


( Quite long )

( Pictures )

X-posted from dailyrumi, and last year.

http://ahavah-ehyeh.livejournal.com/187488.html

Exactly one year ago, my world collapsed when a truck driver plowed into my mom's stopped vehicle. Suffering devastating brain trauma, she remained in a coma for six days, dying on Mother's Day. PLEASE watch the road, every day.

Put up your papers, hang up your phones, take a deep breath, slow down, and please pay attention when you're driving.

Eden got her first library card this week. We checked out an Encyclopedia of Reptiles & Amphibians (to learn about our lizard friend in the garden), an Encyclopedia Brown book, and another Little House book, These Happy Golden Years.

Then yesterday, Beltane, she up and declared, "We need to have a Boo Boo ceremony tonight." So I readily agreed and told her we'd try to have a fire that night. Later on though, Lyz called and invited us over to her new place (and made us dinner). I had forgotten I'd promised Eden a ceremony until she reminded me, so even though it was past bedtime when we got home, I told her we'd stay up and do one. It was too late for a big fire like we'd planned, but Josh lit a coal in his little rock fire-bowl thing he has. Eden ran in to get her basket, as she already had everything prepared!

She'd written four notes for Boo Boo (that's my mom, by the way). I didn't look at them since it was dark, but I saw they had drawings and stuff on them. Eden said she'd written them in secret ancient writings that only totems and guides can read. She said a prayer to start the ceremony, and then I shook my rattle to call in our guides. She gave a note to me and Josh, and she got two since sissy was asleep. We all said a word to mom and offered the notes to the fire, and it was really very beautiful. I could really feel her presence, and I told Eden what a proud grandmother she was. Eden said she could feel her hugs. I could too.

Well, tomorrow is the trial of the unrepentant mother-killer. This will be the end of the first part at least, and we (me and my sisters) will finally be able to get up and speak to him. Boy, do I have a lot to say.

Please be with us and lend us your prayers and energy. I just want to see justice done. It's not likely that he'll get jail time, maybe just lose his license for a year, so I don't know why he's being so difficult about it. This has been so hard, but I've been trying to get my heart back in the right place.

I miss my mom. I want to do right by her, and I want the system to do right by her.

I never felt old, before last year.

I found my first silver hair in August 2006. I remember this, because I was driving to Florida for ladysmith's birth and I found a beautiful shiny thread on the upper left of my head. I loved it. I always thought I would look great with salt-and-pepper – or even silver or grey! - hair.

My mom was one of those women who fear and hate aging. She never celebrated her birthdays, and I couldn't understand it. She cried when she turned forty. Actually, she may have cried at thirty, too. It always made me sad, and I said I'd never feel that way about getting older. I enjoy the thought of getting older, torn between the vision of aging gracefully like an infinitely wise crone and being the crazy lady who screams expletives and chases children past her yard with a potato launcher. Either way, I look forward to it.

That said, I didn't expect it to happen so darn quickly. I also remember the first time I actually felt old. It was May 9, 2008. My wedding day. I was dressing and putting on make-up in the hospital bathroom, a private one I had scoped out for just this occasion. It had that wonderful florescent lighting that let me see each and every crevice in my face. There were more crevices since I'd first arrived after mom's accident. By the time I was in the unforgiving bathroom, preparing for my marriage ceremony, we'd already made the decision to pull life support the next day. I took a deep breath and looked at myself, and it wasn't my normal face. Everyone always said I looked like mom with dark hair. When I took a breath and looked at myself that day, I looked like Grandma with dark hair.

Those grief-lines have abated a bit, or maybe I just wear them better. If you'll recall, my sisters and I went out for a salon day afterwards and got cut, colored, the works. They hadn't noticed, but I'd noticed that during that long week, my one silver hair had turned into a head full of grey. I recently cut my hair again, but I wanted to cut the color out, not touch it up. Some of my highlights are still there. My first bright silver hair is back. I stopped at Tina's house Friday after going to the laywer's, just to drop off some of her things I'd gotten from mom's. I only stayed a minute. As she hugged me goodbye, Tina gasped and her chin dropped. She reached out, grabbed it, and whispered, “You have a silver hair!” I totally saw her thoughts ripple across her face. First she was shocked to see it, then she looked at me and realized for the first time that I had aged, and then she realized that meant she had aged. (Her birthday is next week, only twenty-five. Still, I know I read it right.)

I laughed and said, “I had that one a while ago, remember? There are more, but I think they're still colored at the moment.” She just nodded and said quietly, “I remember. Sorry, I was just surprised.”

“I know.”

But today...oh God, today, I believe I went and threw my back out. I bent over and lifted one leg to put through my panties, and boy, that was IT. My lower back on my right side just spasmed uncontrollably and I had to grab the bathroom counter to catch myself. It reminded me of when I was in labor with Ivy. I couldn't stand back up. I managed to finish dressing and stumbled to fall on my bed. We had to go to the store, as we were nearly out of most things but especially toilet paper, so we went to Walmart and tried to stock up on some of the cheaper things. I thought walking a bit would help, and at first it did, but after I sat down to drive home, it was so excruciatingly worse when I got out of the car. Josh tried to get me to buy a freaking cane to help me in Walmart and I refused to do it, and now I'm wishing I had. Maybe I'd be House-sexy.

I am not an infinitely wise old crone yet, and with this pain, I'm certainly not up for chasing anyone with potato launchers. Right now I'm a twenty-seven year old girl who feels like an eighty year old woman. I hurt. And my crevices are coming back.

I'll respond to all my comments a little later, but thank you guys so much for all the love. I wanted to let you know that Achaiah seems a lot better today. I took some people's advice and gave her a bit of pepto, and lots of love and reiki. A whole lot of people did. This morning, she's definitely perked up, full of more energy than I've seen in a while, and her tummy isn't swollen anymore at all. I'm still going to keep a close eye on her, but I think she's getting better.

I told Josh about what happened last night, and he said, “You too?” Apparently as soon as he laid down, mom bombarded his head too and woke him up. He said it took a while for him to fall asleep. I knew there was something odd about her heavy presence last night, but I still haven't figured out why. I'm not worrying about it though. I finally got to sleep a little after four. I've just been listening to my favorite music all day, and it's really helped. I think I need to do something for the full moon, but I'm not sure what yet. Mom always had insomnia around the full moons. Apparently this one is the Wolf Moon, which is my totem. A ceremony of some sort is definitely in order.

In the meantime, care to click again on my dragons? I'd really like boy thoughts for the guardian, since I have way too many females.

Thanks again.

And I had to get up, because when I lay down in the dark, I can't stop thinking about my mom. The one scene, over and over again, where they wheeled her out under my nose when I arrived at the hospital, and she was so tore up that I didn't recognize her at first. Me crying, hyperventilating, and Tina and Lyz seeing me and knowing it was very very bad.

Why does that keep coming to me tonight?

It's bothersome. On many levels.

We have a birthday party to go to in the morning, and I can't get to sleep. I lay there and I see her broken face. How I didn't run to her, because I didn't know it was her, and they pulled me away when I realized. Because of the freckles on her arm, since her face wasn't mom's.

I haven't really thought of that part for a long while. I don't like to think of it. And I sure as hell don't like it constantly floating in my face at three a.m. when I'm trying to sleep.

Why tonight?

Because the lawyer's office called to schedule another chat with me this upcoming week? Because I watched a stupid episode of Scrubs where their wedding was ruined, and they ended up getting married in the hospital?

I just want to sleep. I don't want to have to see that again. The brokenness.

I've done so good lately.


Now I understand a little better why mom took sleeping pills.

x-posted from _haiku_

I know why I'm mad.
It's the last I'll have of her;
don't want to let go.

x-posted to unsentletters

Oh, Mom,

I love you so much, and I'll never stop.

So many people prayed for you. I only hope you're at peace. I'm getting there.

♥

your eldest

As mentioned in my earlier post, we taught the girls about Winter Solstice this year. Since I already told you my plans, I'll just share this as a picture post! This is actually the first big ceremony that we all held together as a family. (Josh isn't usually the ceremonying type.)

We started by taking a piece of paper, cutting it into fourths, and 'writing out the darkness' of this year that we wanted to offer to the fire. The girls immediately got sad about Boo Boo, and I reminded them of our healing ceremony at her house and said that now we can throw all that sadness in the fire if we wanted. Then we took the papers outside to the fire, and they were excited to stay up late and get to go outside for this.

Getting it out:



( Thanking the dark for it's time, and welcoming the light )

It's been incredibly hard for me to narrow down my favorite story for this week's therealljidol entry. I've been reading and writing for as long as I can remember. I grew up devouring books and writing my own. It was something I did for fun, until second grade, when Mrs. Moore told me I had talent and helped me get my first story published. Then it became a way of life. That one story stands out in my memory, but, like most authors with their earliest work, I can hardly claim it's my favorite.

I have my fandoms and all that makes me squee, but those are fluffy fun. I feel a person's favorite story tells a lot about who they are on a soul-level, so which, out of all of them, could possibly be my very favorite?

Of course we have our family stories that get passed down, which always warmed my heart and made me laugh. Grandma came from cotton fields, was a riveter in the War, and sang a bit on the radio; Uncle Ron, who was hit by not one, but two trains; Uncle Pat and Uncle Mike burning down the old family home and losing their eyebrows in the process (yet the whole town pretended not to know it was them, since everyone knew Grandma and Papa couldn't afford to do anything with it). I remember my mom's stories of her youth in the Seventies, which served to keep me fairly straight edge up until I lived on my own. The story of how mom's channeling started is still one of my favorites, but that's already been told here.

Then there are the stories of my new family. My family. There's the story of how Josh and I accidentally became a family without either of us realizing what was happening (we were roommates – and then somewhere along the way, it just changed). My birth stories are definitely some of my favorites, but I've also already told both of those here. There's my wedding story, which was horribly disappointing, but one of the most true and powerful memories of my life. That's too private for this, I think. It's available on my friends list, if you're interested. My recent trips to Strawberry Fields is something I waited for my whole life, and I have yet to tell you here. It was one of the most energetically powerful things that's happened to me. But, still, none of these offer themselves up as the Ultimate Awesome One.

I've been racking my brain all week long. I nearly took a Bye over this, until I realized that it keeps coming back to the same story.

I usually tell the bedtime stories to my kids: we've been reading through the Little House books, I give dramatic retellings of childhood fairy tales (that means I like to add random craziness in, telling it in a slightly different way each time), and I often create personalized fairy tales that center around Princess Eden and Princess Ivy overcoming some obstacle and learning an important lesson. In August, when we 'started kindergarten', I tried something new with my girls. I gave each of them the opportunity to tell the bedtime story. Now, I don't like playing favorites over my kids, but Ivy's really impressed me. Eden told an awesome tale of saving the kingdom from an evil witch, and I thought it was a delightful story with some pretty good tension building. But I think I expected less of Ivy, since she was just shy of three, and her story made a warm fuzzy place in my heart that has only grown since.

Once upon a time, she told us, there was a little princess named Ivy. Princess Ivy went to the Faerie Tree, so she could go to Faerie World where everything is magic and pretty. She saw lots of faeries, but she was there for Mommy. She went up the big mountain, looking for flowers for Mom. Magic flowers. She found them and picked them, but they're magic so they won't die. She brought them home to Mom, and they were pretty, and then she gave her a kiss. The End.

Yeah, that one's definitely my favorite.

This is my entry for Week 10 of therealljidol. Remember to vote for me this weekend so I don't have to beg and plead, which is lame. Now, in order to more fully encompass the true drama of the misunderstood Livejournal post, I've decided to throw back a couple stout margaritas and do it meme-style. That's right, an LJ triple-play.

A Bunch Of Things I Wish I Could Tell My F-list & Fellow Contestants, But In Passive-Aggressive Cowardice Decide to Post Anonymously, Under the Pretense That It's All Just A Game, But We All Know How Very, Very Real It Actually Is:

1. You know, I'm like 99.6% certain that the rant you posted was about me.

2. I think you're unbelievably hot. Really. I always read your posts just to gaze at the icon of you.

3. I know who you really are, and some of my posts were just to screw with you.

4. I only keep you on my f-list because we've been friends for so long and I don't want to deal with the confrontation I know would come from dropping you. I'm too stressed lately as it is.

5. And you – I'm so glad you're gone. “Put your grief behind a cut, because some of us are trying to keep positivity in our life”? My mom died, you callous ass. If you don't want to read, scroll on by or unfriend me like this “friend” did. The scolding was unnecessary.

6. Speaking of which...my mom died. Slowly, during the course of my wedding AND Mother's Day. You were my ultimate bestie for a long time. Where the hell have you been when I needed you? You're worse than the ones who at least gave up pretenses and just turned tail.

7. White Space. Do you know what white space is? It's those little breaks that you'll find all through this post; they come after paragraphs and numbered items. They are imperative for ease of reading. You have interesting things to say, but you say it all in one HUGE block of evilly unrelenting text, and I literally, physically, cannot read your posts. It makes my eyes burn. See this:

[White]


[Space]



Can you dig it?


8. Stop using all of the following phrases: I can haz, lulz, kthxbai. It stopped being cute looooong ago. And while we're at it, don't you dare ever vocalize in my presence: "Oh-Em-Gee". You may say, “Oh my God”. I know it's taking the Lord's name in vain, but believe me, that's the lesser of two evils here.

9. Um, don't post something on the internet if you don't want to discuss it with people. Stew in silence in your living room as you pat yourself on the back, but once it's posted publicly, don't you dare delete/censor/freeze comments. Wanna tell me how much this posts sucks and you'll do whatever the hell you want while you're online? Go ahead; commenting is allowed. You can even call me names if it makes you feel better. I might point and laugh, but I won't skew comments in my favor. Your responses speak well enough for themselves.

10. I would totally be trying to fuck you if you hadn't been such an ass that one time.

11. I wish I'd never opened up to you.

12. I have the sneaking suspicion that you don't like me very much. That's okay; I can't blame you.

13. I have the sneaking suspicion that you're crushing on my husband. That's okay; I can't blame you.

14. Your whineyness is why I didn't vote for you, not the size of your friends list. If it's a tie-breaker and I think both entries are equally strong, I'll still only vote for one: the one who has whined and pimped less on their journal. Let's face it, in a competition like this, whining does not win you fans. Sorry. I'm a newbie and I get votes...because I rawk*. My friends don't even pay attention to this shit.

15. Vote for me this weekend. I know you do, like, half of these things, but you know I wasn't talking about you. I love you, baby.






* Technically this & it's "hawt" counterpart fall under #8, but you can always flub the rules with snark. Or pure awesomeness. I'll leave it to you to decide which I'm going for here.

I just got off the phone with my grandma. She says she's been going downhill since mom died, so please hold her in your prayers. She may have suffered a small stroke, and she's having trouble remembering things. (She's 87 years old, but it got worse real fast.)

Recent things, anyway. She's still got the great stories.

"We all went and voted yesterday," Grandma tells me. "Did you?"

"Yep, I went and did early voting last week. There are a lot more people excited about the election this time, and that's great! Just think, either way you vote, you're doing something historic."

"Well I don't know about you," Grandma said in a strong I'm gonna talk politics, but not argue about it voice, "but I voted for Obama. I've loved him since the minute I heard his first speech. He's smart, and he seems genuine, you know. I've never voted Republican once in my life, but I really do like Obama."

"Good for you, Grandma! Me too. But around here, a lot of the older folks are, well, kind of redneck. You hear comments like 'We're democrat, but we don't want a black man in the White House.' We just shouldn't be hearing those kind of things anymore! Don't they care about the good of the country?"

"Well Manda," and her voice was shaky, but there was so much strength in, "I've never thought it mattered. I'll tell you...when I was working building the airplanes, back for the War you know, I had to take the bus to work. And you know how they did buses back then. There was this little old lady, and she had'ta have been seventy, but she was sitting, well, back with the darkies like it was, and I guess some of em had left at their stops. The front was all filled with white people, so I went and took an empty seat. And that bus, well they all just looked at me. And the old lady said, 'Here, I'll switch back there so you can come up here.' I just said, 'No, it's no harder for me to sit back here. Less than it would be for you to have to get up and move.' Cause I was only sixteen or seventeen, you know? She was so old...but all the white people, well they just looked at me like the wanted to run right through me. Run right through me. And her a little old lady. Such things shouldn't matter."


I'm so, so honored to carry on the stories of my heritage. I hope our country keeps on changing for the better, and that our children will be amazed by stories of that one time it was such a big deal to have a black president.



If you haven't, please go vote.

I hope, more than anything else, that my children grow up in a household of love. And I hope they appreciate that as the treasure that it is.

I hope I can always be honest with them, and that they'll learn from my mistakes without having to repeat them.

I really hope they don't hurt others just to make themselves look better.

I hope they never let a boyfriend hit them.

I hope they never go unbecomingly crazy on account of some boy. If they do, I hope they find their grace real quickly.

I hope they never lose faith in themselves.

I hope they learn to value honor, and that their word will be respected with good reason.

I hope they won't fear me so much that coming to me with the truth would ever be something they had to think over.

I hope they have a firm handshake.

I hope they never put substances into their bodies that have absolutely no business being there.

And the other ones...well, I hope they'll pick a safe place and the right people to do them with.

I hope they'll learn responsibility and accountability from me and not the hard way.

I hope they never say they hate me.

I hope they can laugh at themselves.

I hope they recognize their own power, and laugh at anyone who says differently.

I hope they never have to watch me die slowly, or harshly.

But when the time comes, I hope at least one of them offers to be with me.

I hope I can show them power even then, and that they realize the best of me comes from their grandmother. I hope I can pass all that on to them.

I hope they do good things in the world.

I hope they're truly happy with their lives, and their parts in our family. I hope they honor our heritage and carry our stories, and that one day their children will carry theirs with pride and fondness.

I hope they follow their hearts and passions, and when it's over, I hope that they're well pleased.




This is my entry for Week 7 of therealljidol. If you enjoyed it, please remember me when the polls go up Friday. I am now in Tribe technophile. Thanks!

therealljidol offers us an Open Topic this week. I've decided to use this opportunity to update my What is Reiki? post, only this time I'd like to focus a little more on how reiki has affected me personally. Reiki is one of my biggest passions, and it's changed my life in so many wonderful ways.

Reiki (pronounced “ray-kee”) is a form of healing that uses divine energy to heal on physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual levels. Reiki is a Japanese word meaning “divine life force energy”. A Reiki practitioner acts as a channel for reiki energy, offering healing by laying on of hands. Reiki practitioners of level 2 or higher can also give distance healings.

An attunement is the process that creates a Reiki healer. A Reiki Master opens the student to the Reiki energy through attunements, preferably after teaching a class or series of classes on Reiki. However, even if no class is taught and the student only receives the attunement, s/he is still open to the ability to channel Reiki. From then on, all the person has to do is hold their hands on someone with the intent for Reiki to flow and it will flow.

I met my Reiki Master in 2003, I believe, at a Unity church I was attending. I grew up in Asheville, which is a pretty energetic hot spot and has become something of a new age-y town. I'd seen reiki fliers all over the place, but I never really knew what reiki was. K'Sitew was able to explain it to me. He told me he had founded the Medicine Reiki tradition, and briefly explained how that differed from Traditional Reiki. K'Sitew had been attuned to Traditional Reiki long ago, and after living with the Cree for twenty years, he saw how reiki energy and Medicine wisdom could be really complementary.

I was very intrigued. I knew we had Cree blood on my mother's side, though it's lost in the pale sea of strong Irish blood. It was more the energy work part that drew me, and I felt a wonderful energy from K'Sitew himself. I'd always been very open to energy, but I kind of floundered around trying to uncover what that meant. Having a teacher would be a dream come true. And then K'Sitew told me he happily offers scholarships, and I embarked on my reiki journey.

I received my Reiki I attunement in March 2004, about a year after the birth of my first child. In Reiki I, you learn the history of reiki and the Reiki Principles. Reiki I opens you up as a reiki channel and enables you to give hands-on healing. It's primarily for self-healing. While reiki itself is a soothing, healing energy that is often used for physical illness, people who receive the actual attunement process usually find that their lives change much more drastically when receiving an attunement. It brings you into better alignment with your life path, and sometimes this includes things like physical detoxification and past traumas being brought into the present to work through and heal.

I had a minor detox that many Reiki I's say they experience. They were mostly cold-like symptoms – a runny nose, feeling tired, using the bathroom more often. It didn't last long and I knew to expect it, so I counteracted it by drinking lots of water and resting for a day. I did have a lot of issues come up with my then-stepfather, with whom I'd always had a problem. I had to rededicate myself to cutting him from mine and my daughter's life, even if it meant hurting my mom. We stopped visiting. Mom could come out to us if she wanted to see her granddaughter. This was the last time I had to make that stand – mostly because I stuck with it this time, fully committing myself to my vow that my children would know only a family of love, and also because they ended up finally divorcing some time later.

I immediately felt a difference in my energy work. I felt things more clearly, and I understood them much better. I became confident in my abilities, because my intuitions usually seemed correct. I practiced on Josh, who was a great sport. He'd lie on our bed while I fumbled my way through the worksheets, trying to remember all the hand positions. I did my two daily self-healings, happily went along offering even just a moment of reiki to random strangers (we're supposed to practice on others). I reiki-ed our car, our dog, our baby, stoplights. Just to see, you know. One of my very favorite activities was nursing Eden while I opened up to reiki energy and did a chakra meditation with her. I've always intuited with colors, and I'd practice beaming different colors to her when she was tired, cranky, or sad. I'd hold her and fill her with pink mommy-light, or rock her with a soothing sleepy blue, pour in a healing green when her tummy hurt. The more I used reiki, the more it taught me.

I took my Reiki II in May, just two months later. I was an eager student and signed up for the very next class. Reiki II was just wonderful. I learned distance healing, which I had already done my whole life in my own personal energy work. I applied reiki to my own techniques after Reiki I, and I found it quite effective. Still, there was no denying an increase of power after my Reiki II attunement. I was not just holding a person in my hands, mind, or heart; I was often feeling a definite and powerful connection, especially if it was someone I loved.

During this time, my uncle was diagnosed with cancer. He was so far away in Illinois. With his permission, I made distance healing for him my daily practice. I included any and everyone who wished or could be talked into it. I applied my distance healing practice to the prayer list I was on. It was anonymous, through the church, so I was able to practice settling into Sacred Space and connecting with strangers, asking permission to do the reiki work. I find asking the 'Higher Self' to be perfectly acceptable if one can't literally ask permission, but I find that too many healers misunderstand or abuse that practice. They'll use “asking the Higher Self” as a way to circumvent permission from someone they know would be uncomfortable with reiki energy. I always include the caveat that I intend the energy to go to Gaia if someone prefers not to accept it. Our Earth needs healing, and she has never said no.

Only once did I get a strong and emphatic NO. Reiki II's distance practices also urge us to move beyond space and time to heal old emotional or karmic wounds. I had been doing a lot of healing and releasing work with my issues with my stepfather. Eventually I got to the point where I felt like I could joyfully offer him healing for our relationship as well. He and mom had split, and he'd long since fallen off the wagon and no one knew where he was. I did some self-work too, making sure I could offer with a light heart. I connected with him and told him I was working on forgiveness, that I wanted to move on and was offering what I could if he wanted it. Not only did I get a NO, but the NO was in big bright red and slammed up in my consciousness on a thick stone wall. Point taken.

I had to wait a while before Reiki III was offered. Reiki III is the Master/Teacher level, which enables the practitioner to teach each level of reiki and pass attunements to others. By the time the class was offered in February 2005, I was three months pregnant with my second child. I wondered if the attunement would have any effect on the baby. From both my doula and reiki backgrounds, I feel pretty emphatically about informed consent. It was my child though, and I'd been waiting eagerly for a Master class. I figured it was meant to be the way it would be. I asked K'Sitew if he thought the baby would be attuned too, and if so, would it be a level one or a Master attunement? He said he had no clue, but it would be interesting to find out what happened.

My attunement to energy was much stronger by this time, but my Master attunement was really indescribable. It was so strong, and I felt a bit dizzy and lightheaded for some time after it. I was in a sparkly haze. I remember things only vaguely after that, but the power of it stays clearly. I was so thirsty. I drank a lot of water. I remember smiling a lot.

K'Sitew said that he had seen four hoops. Medicine Reiki is also sometimes called Hoop Reiki, because we utilize Medicine Hoops in our practice. K'Sitew said he felt I received my Master hoop and the baby received hoops for all three levels.

I had been throwing myself head first into my new reiki practice, but I had never lived with the Cree. I didn't understand Medicine energies, except for what stories I picked up here and there from K'Sitew. I always invited any guides and totems into my work, but I'd never had a clear awareness of them. That is what changed with my Master attunement.

Within a week, three different people (one was a stranger) recommended Sandra Ingerman's Shamanic Journeying: A Beginner's Guide. Listening to Universe, I went and bought it, and thus embarked on my shamanic journeying path. I did a whole lot of reading after that, but I also started journeying and asking different energies themselves what they were and how they related to me and my path. It was truly an awakening. I was able to actively connect and work with my guides, and I have done successful journeys for others.

When I went into labor with my little Reiki Master (we still did not know the sex), it was also exceptionally powerful. I passed my very first attunement while I was in labor. I wanted reiki, and I wanted it from Josh. That is what I remember most from Ivy's birth – the cool, blue-green waves of reiki that Josh held me in during my hour of active labor.

It was over two years before I felt comfortable enough with reiki to hold my first class. That was done with my mom and sisters, and it is a memory I will forever cherish. I finally opened my own reiki school in January of this year, when I felt ready to devote much more of my life to my reiki path. That was derailed after mom's accident, but after several months of actively healing, I'm ready to start picking up the pieces again.


****

Click here to receive reiki healing, any time.

Tomorrow we go to court again, for the criminal proceedings against the truck driver. Please keep all of us in your thoughts, and perhaps an outcome with some sort of resolution.

Thank you.