I know people are tired of hearing it, but I for one am so happy to finally see a President that I helped elect take oath - and it's such a historic moment for our country!

I watched it with my girls, explaining why I was so happy. We had a talk about War, and a talk about what our United States are supposed to stand for. Liberty and Justice for All. How important that's supposed to be for our country, and how many - too many - people have seemed to forget those important concepts.

Today, I am so proud to be an American.

I don't think Obama is the Messiah or anything. In fact, after the incompetence of the last administration, I'm well aware that he'll have his hands full.

Still, I feel like President Obama did (squee!) when he finally let his grin loose before stepping up to the podium.

It's a good day for our country. I hope, I really hope, that it ripples through the world.

My computer died on me today. Yes, my new one.

Luckily, after letting it cool for a while (it got mega-hot, and it almost never gets hot), I was able to do a recovery. I'm making my long overdue back-up cds now. I was scared into action on that one.

I am eternally grateful to everyone who looked at my post and voted for me in therealljidol. I made it through! I'm happy to learn it, although very sad at how many of my favorites didn't make it.

Does this mean we'll lose 12 this week? I shudder to think.


My dad is living in Asheville now. He's staying with Tina and will be looking for work here. I wish him luck. Josh hasn't had any yet. I'm glad we'll get to see him more often though.


Eden lost both front teeth one night after the other. She's excited. She's also decided she's putting the profits of that towards a trip to Hawaii. She and Ivy have decided that's our next vacation. I wish them the best of luck at it.

I'm excited about the inauguration tomorrow. If we don't miss it due to Ivy's doctor appointment, I plan on using it for a good homeschooling lesson. Maybe it's a good time to do the kids' healing ceremony that I was thinking of starting.

I'm glad my computer turns back on. I hope it stays. That makes three of us whom I know are battling this very issue right now. Crazy.


Care to click?

I GOT TICKETS!!!!!

I'll respond to all my comments a little later, but thank you guys so much for all the love. I wanted to let you know that Achaiah seems a lot better today. I took some people's advice and gave her a bit of pepto, and lots of love and reiki. A whole lot of people did. This morning, she's definitely perked up, full of more energy than I've seen in a while, and her tummy isn't swollen anymore at all. I'm still going to keep a close eye on her, but I think she's getting better.

I told Josh about what happened last night, and he said, “You too?” Apparently as soon as he laid down, mom bombarded his head too and woke him up. He said it took a while for him to fall asleep. I knew there was something odd about her heavy presence last night, but I still haven't figured out why. I'm not worrying about it though. I finally got to sleep a little after four. I've just been listening to my favorite music all day, and it's really helped. I think I need to do something for the full moon, but I'm not sure what yet. Mom always had insomnia around the full moons. Apparently this one is the Wolf Moon, which is my totem. A ceremony of some sort is definitely in order.

In the meantime, care to click again on my dragons? I'd really like boy thoughts for the guardian, since I have way too many females.

Thanks again.

I was born with sexual complexes, and what I wasn't born with, I inherited. I was terrified of men as a child, I lost boyfriends due to not being able to hold hands (let alone kiss!), and I had no sexuality for a while. Sex was dirty, gross, and overwhelmingly scary.

I was, however, a terrible flirt who crushed on boys relentlessly. My first boy crush was at age three - BJ from Merry Moppets Preschool. I had that problem of always being 'one of the guys' and crushing on boys who would never look at me in such a way. If one actually did, you couldn't imagine the stage fright and heart palpitations.

My first girl crush was when I was fourteen or fifteen. I never knew her name. I felt like Charlie Brown; she was just the little red-haired girl from gym. We didn't have the same class, but our classes were at the same time. I just watched her move the whole time, and I felt pretty bad about that because at that time, you know, I thought being gay was wrong. If sex was dirty and gross, then gay sex was icky squared.

I remember deciding that all needed to change. In retrospect, I imagine it was a healthy dose of adolescence, since I was fifteen years old and had only barely managed to force myself to hold a boy's hand. I liked boys. I loved boys, and that little red haired girl was pretty foxy too, so weren't all those feelings of love supposed to be a good thing? If it doesn't feel good, surely it's not worth all the angst.

My first kiss was unromantic. I didn't even particularly care for the boy. We were good friends and he liked me. I was new in school and he was friends with my group of friends and asked me to be his girlfriend with one of those cute little pass-it-on notes. I said yes, because let's face it, that was kind of sweet. Especially since I was a freshman and he was an older boy. I gave him a peck kiss or two on the way to the buses, but I ultimately broke up with him because I realized I just didn't like him enough to start kissing him more. It certainly helped shatter that fear and make way for my first real boyfriend.

I moved again (as I always did), but my heart belonged to the boy from down the road/best friend (as it always did) whom I had left behind. With him I found a true teenage stolen-moments-of-fumbling love. I still couldn't do it, you know, but making out and beginning that sexual awakening was a truly blissful thing that I didn't want to rush anyway. And it was with a boy I loved, and who loved me back!

My first time was pretty unromantic too, but it was with someone I was truly in love with. We lost our virginity to each other, which was a romantic notion, but since we were both nervous as hell, it didn't translate into the physical very well. All the same, I thought, Wowza! That was not bad at all. I imagine that could be pretty damn spectacular if we practice a bit. And practice we did. I wish my parents had been more open with me about those things, because I was not smart about it at all. Being virgins meant we knew we were clean, so spontaneous unprotected sex actually seemed romantic in my newfound state of idiocy. I'm pretty lucky, and glad I grew up fairly quickly after that. The boy ended up being quite a disappointment, but I wasn't sorry that I'd had a passionate romance with him. He was a fine choice at the time.

I never did get to sow my wild oats, but I have a husband who has whole-heartedly been with me as I come into my own adult sexuality. We have wonderfully uninhibited conversations and a willingness to experiment for each other. I'm glad to have someone I trust without a doubt, who is willing to explore almost any darn thing I want. We're both switches, which means we'll take turns as the dominant one in our play, and I really think I have the best of all worlds with him. Even though it makes him nervous, he's entertaining the possibility of having a play friend.

I'm still quite a Christian, but I've gotten over the hang-ups that often come with certain mainstream Christian dogma. I think love is a beautiful thing that can be happily shared, if shared safely and smartly. Sex is one of the few things that humans do instinctively, and it can be a primal, fierce bonding of flesh or it can be a spiritually powered joining of souls. It's to be celebrated, not castigated! Not regulated. Sex is a private thing between the people who want to share it with each other. Sharing it with more than one other is okay if that's what you like. Doing it by yourself is okay if that's what you like! (Seriously, give it a try. I guarantee you'll like.)

The only thing that is absolutely not okay is forcing sex – or your personal beliefs about sex – onto others. But even with people who have suffered sexual violence (and if you think you don't have friends like that, you're wrong), claiming back one's sexuality is a power and healing that is unrivaled. You can take a moment, but you can't take that underlying, primal, life-giving power.

You can also hide from that kind of power all your life, as I nearly did, but it's still there, pulsing through your veins with each breath and every beat of your heart. Believe me when I say that it's so very much more fun to own it.

Celebrate it.

Honor it.





This is my Week 11 entry for therealljidol. If you enjoyed, please give me some love this weekend when the polls open. Thanks!

The world's oldest person has died. As I read things like this in the headlines, I always say a little prayer and offer healing to the departed. I thought I would share and pass that on here.

I strongly believe that people's love/prayers/energy/thoughts help others as their souls cross over. I've been around birth a lot, and though I'm fairly new to death, they seem to me to be very similar as far as being life's biggest, strongest, most powerful transitions. I think my mom's crossing was extra powerful because so many people were praying for her. I think that kind of outpouring of love helps offset fear, pain, and confusion.

When I think of people like Edna Parker, who has lived longer than most of us could ever hope to, it brings with it a very humbling thought. Do you have any idea how many people she's impacted in her life?

She was a teacher before getting married and becoming a housewife, too, so once more with feeling: Do you have any idea how many people's she's impacted in her life?

I see how my three and five (and a half) year olds have impacted strangers, and I'm glad that (for the most part) we've instilled respect and common courtesy into them. I'm only twenty-seven (and a half) and I know I've had an impact on the world. It's also a humbling thought, but it's true for every one of us. Some, I've impacted badly. I've done my best to apologize and make up for those, and I've been all right with keeping daily maintenance on the forgiveness process. Some, I've impacted wonderfully. I know this because some of you have let me into your homes/births/hearts/families. (And believe me, that means a lot when I'm feeling down.) My mom was only fifty, and yet she had touched so many, and so deeply. Brenden Foster was only eleven, and yet his kindness and generosity of spirit is at this very moment continuing to feed homeless all over the world.

So it is my sincere wish that you take a moment when you hear about someone who's passed on, or right then and there when someone really impacts you, take that moment to give them the love, prayer, and support that they deserve. Pour it on out to their families and everyone else who's ever been blessed by them. Even if you don't believe in the afterlife, just take a minute to give them a warm and fuzzy hug for their work here.

I decided to cross-post this from dailyrumi. If you're not a member, you should definitely check it out.


Thanksgiving is sweeter than bounty itself.
One who cherishes gratitude does not cling to the gift!
Thanksgiving is the true meat of God’s bounty;
The bounty is its shell,
For thanksgiving carries you to the hearth of the Beloved.
Abundance alone brings heedlessness,
Thanksgiving gives birth to alertness.
The bounty of thanksgiving will satisfy and elevate you,
And you will bestow a hundred bounties in return.
Eat your fill of God’s delicacies,
And you will be freed from hunger and begging.

I just got off the phone with my grandma. She says she's been going downhill since mom died, so please hold her in your prayers. She may have suffered a small stroke, and she's having trouble remembering things. (She's 87 years old, but it got worse real fast.)

Recent things, anyway. She's still got the great stories.

"We all went and voted yesterday," Grandma tells me. "Did you?"

"Yep, I went and did early voting last week. There are a lot more people excited about the election this time, and that's great! Just think, either way you vote, you're doing something historic."

"Well I don't know about you," Grandma said in a strong I'm gonna talk politics, but not argue about it voice, "but I voted for Obama. I've loved him since the minute I heard his first speech. He's smart, and he seems genuine, you know. I've never voted Republican once in my life, but I really do like Obama."

"Good for you, Grandma! Me too. But around here, a lot of the older folks are, well, kind of redneck. You hear comments like 'We're democrat, but we don't want a black man in the White House.' We just shouldn't be hearing those kind of things anymore! Don't they care about the good of the country?"

"Well Manda," and her voice was shaky, but there was so much strength in, "I've never thought it mattered. I'll tell you...when I was working building the airplanes, back for the War you know, I had to take the bus to work. And you know how they did buses back then. There was this little old lady, and she had'ta have been seventy, but she was sitting, well, back with the darkies like it was, and I guess some of em had left at their stops. The front was all filled with white people, so I went and took an empty seat. And that bus, well they all just looked at me. And the old lady said, 'Here, I'll switch back there so you can come up here.' I just said, 'No, it's no harder for me to sit back here. Less than it would be for you to have to get up and move.' Cause I was only sixteen or seventeen, you know? She was so old...but all the white people, well they just looked at me like the wanted to run right through me. Run right through me. And her a little old lady. Such things shouldn't matter."


I'm so, so honored to carry on the stories of my heritage. I hope our country keeps on changing for the better, and that our children will be amazed by stories of that one time it was such a big deal to have a black president.



If you haven't, please go vote.

Since I started my livejournal back in 2005, there have been some misconceptions, insinuations, and outright accusations. I've decided to use this week's therealljidol topic as an opportunity to set the record straight.

Some of you seem to think I'm, if not an authority on one or two topics, at least fairly competent. You guys often come to me for advice, or just to hear my perspective on things. A few of you have even gone so far as to use words like “witty”, “brilliant”, and “amazingly kickass in every way”.

You told me I handled it well. You said I had strength, grace, and one of you even accused me of deserving respect. You said I've grown, that I've become a strong and vibrant young woman. You say I make you laugh, make you think, make you cry. You call me wonderful, a sweetie, dear friend.

You have named me family, even before you met me.

You said I was stronger than that, that everything would turn out all right, that I had things under control even though it felt like a maelstrom. You said I shined, that I emanated light and love. I was “a powerful, bright energy”, "a fountain of love”, and showed “amazing strength”.

You toss around words like adorable, lovely, beautiful...sexy!





I think maybe you think I'm someone else.

I put 6-9 because I'm not entirely sure what days everything happened. I pretty much lost track from Monday (mom's accident) until Friday. It was all quite fuzzy and veil-like. I mentioned once in a reply how my mom always seemed to have significant dates in her life. Her accident was the Cinco de Mayo and she died on Mother's day. She was born right before Christmas. Married my dad on Friday the 13th. (I was never quite sure how that happened). Come to think of it, I was born around Memorial Day, Lyz was the day before Papa's birthday (mom's dad), and I don't think Tina's is a holiday but one of my uncles always called it Soldier Day (“March 4th!”). Anyway, the days in between fuzz together, but the big ones stick out fairly well.

I'd pretty much parked myself at the hospital from the moment I got there Monday. Family started arriving Wednesday, I think, though most of them didn't get there until Friday. I was very glad to have my dear friend Tracy at my side that first full day (Tuesday?). Tina's boyfriend Adam's parents came up right away from Gastonia, and they were really helping her a lot. Lyz couldn't really stand to be at the hospital at first, and she was mostly with her boyfriend Bano. I was so glad someone came just to be there for me. Poor Josh seemed so far away with the kids. They were coming up every day to visit, go eat lunch at a park, that kind of thing. They weren't allowed up in Neuro Trauma, and we tried to keep them away from the hospital after our first cafeteria excursion created havoc on Josh for the rest of the night.

I also had a wonderful chaplain friend from church come to visit me. Jen is the person helping me coordinate the Reiki Share I'm starting at church – today (5/20) in fact! She came just to hug me first, but she came back the next day and brought two great big bags of food – one for me and one for the girls. She also took me out for Starbucks, which had become life sustaining sustenance after trying to subsist on hospital coffee. Then while we were there, and she was just being so great and letting me vent, Jen offered me a healing attunement.

She's a Master of the Usui school, and I didn't realize there were actually different types of attunements. I was feeling way too stressed and worried about my family, and I really felt like her attunement really marked the start of things getting better. It was interesting, because that was the day after I'd tried (without luck) to go drown my sorrows. I'd bummed a cigarette at one point, and I completely started tasting it again when Jennifer did the healing. I could literally feel and taste it coming back up and out of me, and the clean feeling it left in it's place. It was actually a really cool experience. I'm pretty sensitive with energy anyway, and the week was already crazy intense. I hadn't eaten for a week and had little sleep, and I felt like I was straddling the veil anyway. Jen's attunement felt really powerful, and I did start feeling much better.

It helped that I also had some internet friends coming to visit! Two dear friends had planned to come to the wedding, and I was excited to find out that both would still make a point of coming to Asheville if I felt up for a visit. I really needed those bright spots.

First – Thursday, I think – I met my good buddy Beth and her boyfriend, who I'd met through my favorite writing forum. Beth and I used to do flash challenges every weekend when I still had the internet. We'd always be on at crazy wee hours and would act as muses for each other when we got stuck. She's the genius who taught me that dead hookers solve every plot problem. (Try it, it's eerie.)

I've tried to remember how long I've known her online now. Two years, maybe three? I could check if I logged on to LH, I'm sure. At any rate, she and her lovely other half treated me to lunch at Barley's Taproom. She was very cool, though I knew I wasn't the best company. Next time we'll have much more fun getting smashed together, I'm sure.

At some point I got a call from my long time cohort lessthan90sheep, who surprised the absolute hell out of me by calling and saying, “We're just outside Knoxville. Did you still want to try to meet?” I'd forgotten that they'd also planned to visit other friends in Knoxville anyway, and I was beyond stoked when I found out that they had still made the trip. I've “known” Steph for somewhere around 8 or 10 years now and have always wanted to actually meet her. We made plans to meet Friday before my Grandma flew in at 2.

Friday (the 9th), I started regaining some sense of time. Steph and her husband met me early and also whisked me away to Starbucks. Her husband Scott showed me the drum they had made and taught me a bit about making them. I can't wait to try that. He also had the coolest flute. We weren't entirely sure where to go, so they suggested pagany tourist shopping. I lean more hippy myself, but I hope I didn't let them down too much. I took them to my favorite shop where I get all my ceremony supplies. Josh called and celebrated the fact that Tracy came and took the kids for the night (it had started getting rough for him to handle them alone, and me & Josh really needed some time together since it was supposed to be our wedding day). Josh agreed to meet us up at Silver Armadillo, the very cool earthy shop.

We browsed while we waited for Josh. I got three hematite healing necklaces for me and my sister, and a card and stone for my mom. Josh and I were still kicking around the idea of getting married when everyone got there, so I bought a bag of rose quartz to give as favors, just in case. Josh showed up and introductions went round.

I went over to Earth Fare (whole foods organic store) to use the restroom, and the sidewalk musician busted into Eyes of the World as I walked by. I think I started crying. It was so weird that some random dready guy would start singing me that song. Besides the lyrics (“wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world....”), I used to sing that song to Eden in the mornings after she was first born. I was extremely moved, and dude was really breaking it down.

We then went to walk around downtown and check out some of those shops. We found a little tree place to get some pictures. I was really glad to finally get to meet her and just chill for a few hours.








Afterwards, it was Friday so Josh and I figured we'd go get the marriage license just in case. Funny enough, Tina called right as we were getting into the car afterwards. Tina says, “We all talked about it, and we want you guys to get married. Today, the day you were supposed to do it.” I had called K'Sitew that morning, just in case. I'd called Chad too, but didn't have luck reaching him. So we told them we'd have to get some things ready, which meant I missed Grandma and the rest of them coming into town. I had been there when everyone saw mom for the first time, and I felt so bad that I wasn't there for Grandma. But we didn't have the rings on us or anything, so we headed back to the house to try to get things in order.

I think about it as the 'marriage', with the 'wedding' to follow. I'll write that up later, but there's the highlights of my week leading up to it.

X-posted to mission101

I'm wishing a joyous, abundant, and blessed 2008 for you all! Instead of a New Years resolution post, I've decided that this would be a good time to update everyone on my 101 goals in 1001 days project. My last update on that was in July, and I've accomplished a few things since then.

The point of Mission101 is to complete a list of 101 preset goals in 1001 days. For me, that means:

Start date: Saturday, September 2, 2006
Ending date: Saturday, May 30, 2009

15 / 101: 15% done!

As of my July 6 update, I had 12 items successfully accomplished and 15 in progress. That's changed and shifted a bit as I lapsed on some things and completed others, but I'm still plucking along. I have only successfully completed two more, but I am further along on some other goals – and the reading list. (Note to people who think it's a good idea to read 101 books in 1001 days: It's a lofty goal. Have some magazine-to-'book' conversion system to help yourself out and not waste quality reading time on goal-less magazines/reader's digests/newspapers). I hope to post a book list someday soon.

Here's the scoop. The new progress is in bold.

Completed: 15

1. Organize this list Misc.

2. See Keller Williams live - (Nov. 5, 2006 - The Neighborhood Theater in Charlotte...it was awesome!) Misc.

5. Find a female friend. - *Waves* hi, lahermite! Misc.

9. Get my DONA, Int'l certification - Got the call 5/20/07 - I'm certified! :D Doula

15. Get a portable massage table Reiki 12/24/07 – Thank you, K'Sitew!

16. Teach a reiki class - Done July 1, 2007 for my mom & sisters. Friends hear the Voice Post. Reiki Masters on my Level 3 filter can see the class outline Reiki

18. Participate in a Full Moon Hoop Ceremony Reiki July 07

19. Participate in a New Moon Hoop Ceremony Reiki I think this was October. I need to check the dates.

21. Get attuned to Violet Flame Reiki -(October 21, 2006, 1, 2, & Master levels) Reiki

34. Get a paid LJ account - Thank you, simplydorei! Writing

48. Get the kids' room fixed up - Yay to Josh for clearing out the 'junk room'. Home

49. Start a piggy bank for the girls - Eden already had one, and now we have one for Ivy too. Family This one needs repeating already, as we've had to raid the money stash.

55. Take family to IL Check out my IL Trip tag!

70. Pay library fine & return all books that aren't mine - Done once, need to repeat already. Personal Improvement

100. Do the 4T Prosperity Program - (Personal Improvement - started Sept 10, 2006 - Dec 06) 3-month projects


In Progress: 13

3.Learn how to make a compost pile Misc. - Compost pile in progress. We'll see how I fared come Spring.

4. Plant a garden Misc (I have tomatoes so far)

24. Read 101 Books, including 3 from: ...Writing

29. ...Poetry books Writing

32. Complete NaNoWriMo Writing Nov 07, 12,643 words. Completed the month, but didn't win. Room for improvement here.

42. Choose a persona SCA - This one's on hold until I can devote more time & resources, but we have ideas.

47. Get a bed - Thanks to lahermite for the bedframe! Now we just need to upgrade to a King mattress. Home

56. Start a homeschool routine with the girls - Slowly but surely we're integrating more and more Family

57. Offer to braid Josh's hair 3 times - I Family

65. Read the Complete Idiot's Guide to Beating Debt Personal Improvement

83. Bake something to give away at least 6 times - I Love

85. Meditate every day Spirit, Month Long Projects

88. Keep a journal – I keep forgetting to keep up with it. Personal Improvement

I have more exciting goals scheduled to start in the New Year.


Incidental Stuff I'm Pleased With: 11

1. Culled (still culling, actually) mine and the girls' clothes, their toys, my books.

2. Got rid of several boxes of things on Freecycle.

3. Got a new computer

4. Took Josh to the Biltmore House. He may be the only Asheville local who'd never been.

5. In the process of starting my own Reiki School. More on that later.

6. Done several Flash Challenges, though not for six consecutive weeks. :(

7. Made some more new friends via NaNo group and Coffee Meet-Up.

8.Made contact with long-lost, much-missed friend. Even if he disappeared again.

9. Got engaged. :D

10. Exciting new amulet changes. Since I first shared my amulet (also in July, so I can't speak for the whole year), I have gained four new items. Four items also left me for new homes (one of which was one of the new items, another was more of a switcheroo, and only one that I actually knew that it would eventually leave me and who I was holding it for). Four and four. I've mentioned many times that four is my sacred number. Woot!

11. Rejoined Unity's Prayer Chaplain program, after a three year hiatus.

That's it! Hopefully I can stick with it and have even more successes to report next time, probably more often than every six months.

Thank you so much for all of the cards, gifts, and nudges! It's nice to know that my cyber-family still cares. I'm sorry to have dropped off the face of the earth. I'm hardly ever able to get online anymore, and when I do, it's mostly spent catching up massive amounts of email. Things have been tough lately, so I appreciate everyone who's been holding us in prayer and sending awesome energy our way. I may speak more on that later, but for now, let's revel in the good!

We got to visit my dad, step-mom Kathy (they're split, so we rarely get to see them), and little brother Adam. It was so wonderful to see the girls playing with them. They racked up – scoring Christmas from Santa, Grandpa, and then Grandma too! I forgot my camera for the grandma fun, but there are still plenty of cute ones to revel in.

( Christmas fun! Pictures...not dial-up friendly )

It took me all day to catch up my emails, just from missing one day yesterday! I'm sorry that I forgot to post and say that I was home safely. :) It was bumpy and scary, so I appreciate all the energies and prayers everybody lent! We had snow flurries as I landed in Asheville, but I was lucky I landed when I did. It started snowing much harder on the way home, but it wasn't sticking and today was just a lovely day.

I just wanted to pop in quickly and let everyone know I was safe. I'll do a proper post on my trip later, although it seems I'll probably be gone next week. Not gone gone, just sticking close to the house.

Thanks again!

I'm flying back home tomorrow, around 10 a.m. I'm still quite nervous about it, so I'd really appreciate any prayers and reiki that you'd like to send my way!

Hopefully I'll do a proper recap when I get home. Can't really share much until baby_squee gets a chance to ;), but I can at least tell you how much fun I've had! And maybe more pictures. We'll see.

Just to reiterate - I'm really begging for prayers. lol Apparently I'm not my most comfortable on a plane.

Thank you!

*hugs*

baby_squee was born at 6:14 pm to kajmal & simplydorei. She is absolutely adorable. Despite the meconium, she had APGARs of 8 & 9. Perfect in every little way! Big huge thanks to everyone who sent prayers and reiki.

She hasn't shared her name with us yet. Mom & Dad need to spend some time with her to find out. I probably won't post much more until they do their own posts, but I wanted to at least let you know that the new family is all safe, happy, & beautiful.

I'll keep this post public in case you know any of their friends who might be interested. ;) I'm guessing it may be a while before Daddy updates the squee journal.

This video came through my doula list. I think it's one of the best birth experiences I've had the pleasure to share! The end is just amazing. It had me in tears.

It's time for Unity's 14th annual World Day of Prayer!

As a chaplain at the Unity Center of Christianity in Fletcher, I was asked to assist by hosting a two-hour block during our church's WDoP celebration. From midnight last night until midnight tonight, someone will be at the church to pray and hold sacred space. We have prayer lists that people have turned in, and we will both hold those names in prayer as well as be available for anyone who wants to drop by for some one-on-one prayer time.

In the past, and I'm fairly sure this is still the case, we sent those prayer lists on to Unity Village, where they stay for a month and are **continuously** prayed for by the wonderful folks at Silent Unity.

I will be on duty at church from 8-10 pm EST (not that time is relevant when it comes to matters of spirit). I am screening comments for confidentiality purposes. If you have any names that you would like me to add to my prayer list, feel free to leave them here.

From WorldDayofPrayer.org:

World Day of Prayer is an opportunity for humankind to experience a transformation of health, abundance, and love on a global level. This year our intention is focused on world peace.

Download the Peace Flag

Find a participating church or center near you (ha! Ours is not on there, so check your yellow pages if you don't find anything!)

Request information packet (Packet includes a Prayer List, detailed information on how you can participate, a Peace Flag, a 30 Days to Peace Calendar, and a special invitation you may pass along to a friend.)

Affirm:

We are peacemakers, one in the love of God.
With hearts united, we establish harmony and peace
in our lives and in the world.

And so it is!

(Squicky be aware: I am a doula and so this will be honest and detailed. But it's good.)


It was Sunday, March 2, 2003. I remember it was Sunday because my sister had spent the night to help put away the baby shower gifts (from the 1st) and go to church with me the next morning. I was the Uniteen R.E.P., or Reasonably Enlightened Person. Basically I taught Sunday School to the middle schoolers. I woke up at 8:20, ten minutes before my alarm, and I really had to pee. You get used to that in your ninth month. I went back to the bedroom to begin getting dressed, when suddenly I had to pee again. According to Eden's baby book that I found yesterday, at this point I found a bit of blood when I wiped so I put on a pad. I went back out to get dressed again, and within minutes I was running back to the bathroom again. I was leaking quite a bit.

My water had broken, but at the time I felt really unsure because I hadn't been having contractions. After Josh brought me fresh drawers, I told him I thought my water had broken but I didn't think I was really in labor. He said he thought so the way I kept running to the bathroom. I went up to call the midwife, and we made plans to meet at her office at 1:30 to do a test strip to see if it was amniotic fluid. From the sounds of it, she told me, she was pretty sure it was. I called out of church and went home to clean some more, not due to nesting but necessity. I was also hoping that moving around might start contractions, but all was pretty calm in my belly. We took Lyz home and after my other sister, Tina, found out what was going on, she wanted to come with us. We met Jan, my midwife, at New Dawn, where I started leaking a good deal more. A ph strip (I think) confirmed that it was amniotic fluid. She suggested that I try a castor oil root beer float, followed with a peanut butter cup. Hopefully the castor oil would start some contractions. We made plans to meet at the hospital around 7:30 pm, because they start getting antsy 12 hours after the water breaks. Not Jan herself, but if I wanted to keep her as midwife then we had to follow certain protocols. I knew they'd want to do pitocin if labor didn't start, but at all times I was completely confident that labor would start on its own.

From the day I found out I was pregnant, I had spoken and meditated with my child. I visualized birth and showed it what I felt was my 'perfect' birth scenario. We planned to have a water birth, because my research had led me to believe that it was a safe and gentle entry, and I instinctively knew that I would welcome the soothing feel of water while in labor. My baby was pisces, afterall. So I imagined the natural water birth I wanted, telling the baby that we both knew what to do and to follow our bodies, let it be swift and as painless as possible and we would do it together. Every night as I went to sleep, I would visualize the two of us working together for our perfect birth. People asked me if I was afraid and I laughed. Are you kidding? I'm a birth goddess. I didn't doubt for a second. It's what I was made for.

We went home to clean up a bit more and pack our hospital bags. With a due date of March 17 and a baby shower on March 1, we hadn't gotten around to that yet. We took our huge bumbling mastiff, Brutus, up to the neighbors' house and drove Achaiah to my mom's. We were birthing at Park Ridge Hospital, the only local hospital that I know of that "lets" you birth in the tub. It's in Hendersonville, which isn't far from my mom's house. I drove, as Josh still didn't have a license at this point. We stopped at the Burger King down the road from the hospital so that Josh could get dinner before everything started.

In the drive-through, everything started.

The contractions, that is. I still didn't recognize them, since I expected them in my stomach and not my back. But I was definitely doing some breathing while Josh leaned over me to order, and by the time we were paying and waiting for the bag, I believe I'd started cursing a bit. Contractions started a little after 7. We got to the hospital and I gave Josh the (already filled out) hospital forms to check us in, and I hurried to the bathroom. The castor oil had really kicked in, and I thought I had to use the bathroom. It didn't work for me, but the contractions were pretty intense in the bathroom and it took a few minutes before I could walk to the safety of Josh's arm. I was very nauseous and felt like I either needed to vomit or poop, but neither was happening. We got to the room and they put me on Electronic Fetal Monitoring, where they put the strips on my belly for 20 minutes upon entry to record my contractions and the baby's heart rate. I was surprised to learn that my contractions were already coming every 2 minutes. It was about 8 pm, and I had been in labor for just under an hour.

Jan tried to do a vaginal exam to see how far I was dilated, but she couldn't find my cervix. That's actually a common problem for me - apparently I tilt backwards some, and VEs have always been uncomfortable. While in labor, though, it positively hurt. I started crying. Jan quickly apologized and said she'd check later (the cervix usually tilts forward during labor, anyway). They were slightly concerned because they said the baby's heart rate wasn't going up a lot when it moved, and I drank lots of juice to try to help out a little. I kept thinking I had to poop but I couldn't, and finally I exclaimed, "God, I'd just be ok if going to the bathroom would work!" or something like that. Jan offered me an enema, which to my surprise, I happily accepted. I sent Josh out of the room for that bit of fun, but it did help a little bit. In retrospect, I had felt the baby decending. We'd only just gotten situated in our room, and I hadn't realized that then.

Following my trip to the bathroom afterwards, I was extremely hot. The shower looked so inviting, I begged to get in. They put a plastic bag on my hand so the heplock wouldn't get wet and I put it on lukewarm water and just luxuriated in it. It cooled me down so much, and the water felt good against my back and stomach. Eventually the contractions started getting stronger again and I had to sit down, but I just turned around and sat on the shower floor and let the water pour over my forehead. It was so peaceful, and really one of the most vivid memories I carry from my first birth.

When I got out, I had to get Josh to help me dry off. He was so gentle and sweet, toweling me off and holding me when a contraction surged over me. They were very strong and long by now, and after they passed, Josh helped me get back to the bed. They talked me into saline solution, saying I was dehydrated, but I learned from that with my next birth. I will never labor with things sticking out of me again. That's the only disappointment I had with that birth. They said it would help the contractions settle down if I got fluids in me, and as they got that running, I started to freak out a little bit. I told Josh, "I'm sorry, baby. I'm really sorry but I can't do a natural birth afterall. It hurts so bad! I can't take it." It hurt all in my back, and I started kicking my legs and rolling around trying to get relief. Jan said she would get the anesthesiologist if I wanted, but I knew I didn't really want that. She suggested she try another vaginal exam to see how far along I was. Jan checked me again and learned that I was 8 CENTIMETERS! It was so fast, no wonder I'd been hot and flustered.

We hadn't been there very long at all, two or three hours, and I thought I was maybe three or four centimeters. I certainly couldn't take ten more hours of that. I wasn't a doula then, although I had made the decision and was studying for it, but I didn't recognize the fact that I was in transition. When I heard 8 centimeters, it made better sense. Rationally, I'd known that transition is pretty much when every woman wants to wuss out. It's the deer-in-the-headlights feeling - the moment just before surrender, when you haven't quite accepted the power. Did I want the anesthesiologist, they asked? No. I knew I didn't, but I sure could use that tub.

They hurried to fill it, knowing I really wanted a waterbirth. Boy, I REALLY had to use the bathroom, and I wheeled my IV to the toilet and sat with a trashcan between my legs because I thought I was going to throw up. I didn't do either, but the squatting/leaning position on the toilet relieved a lot of the pain and nausea and I started to feel better. Then I noticed my legs were shaking pretty badly and my stomach knotted up and I felt a big pressure in my bottom. I realized I wasn't going to be pooping, I was trying to push!

It hit me suddenly, and when those contractions stopped and I ran to tell Jan. They had the tub mostly full and they helped me ease in. It really helped with my back. After the next round of contractions passed, she had me lay back for another VE and confirmed that I was 10 centimeters.Now, from the time spent going to the bathroom and climbing into the tub, it was five (maybe ten) minutes since she checked me and learned I was 8 cm. Jan told me to go ahead and listen to my body, push when I felt I needed to.

I leaned forward and squatted over the rim of the tub. I couldn't lay back with the pain gathering in my back. I held the tub and just breathed...and everything seemed to slow down and get really sparkly. The noise of Jan, the nurse, Josh, machines...everything muted out except for the sparkly wall I stared at and the sound of me going "Hee-ha-hee-ha". I had prayed to know the moment my child's soul entered its body, and I fully believe that that moment when time slowed and everything got sparkly, it happened.

I could feel it coming fast. "It's coming! It's coming!" I put my hand down and felt, then told them, "There's a head down there." Jan felt and said, "There is a head down there." She tried to have me lay back in the tub, but it was too uncomfortable. I leaned over the edge and kind of squatted. The nurse, Fonda, was really nice and wiped my head with a cool cloth.

Nothing in the world ever felt so good as when the baby's head popped out. After another minute or so, the whole body came out. I remember looking down and seeing little feet under the water. Because of my position, the baby floated out behind me and I was a little sad to see it floating away like that. Then everything started moving quickly again, and as I moved back away from the edge, Jan reached her hand in and kind of pushed the baby back through my legs. I looked down at it and reached down to help pull it out and give it it's first taste of air. I held it up to my chest and started talking, telling it how much I loved it and how beautiful and sweet it was. The baby cried out and I remember laughing and saying, "I know - that sucked, didn't it?" It didn't, though.

Josh said, "Let's see what we've got, honey." I hadn't even thought about it, honest to God. Holding my first baby and meeting it for the first time, and I hadn't even considered whether it was a boy or a girl. Everyone had told me I was having a boy (the way I carried it, you know, and the 'showing early' that I blamed on the baby and not the french fries). I looked down between it's little legs and said, "I think it's a girl." I laughed and said, "It's a little girl!"

Josh smiled so big and beautifully. He said, "I guess it's Eden Mahjia then." I was surprised, because I didn't think he liked that middle name. I'd had 'Eden' picked out since I was 10 or 12, but we'd had quite the middle-name-impasse. Mahjia was actually a word that came to me in a dream, actually spelled out. I wasn't sure how to say it. I thought it was a more gutteral (that's not the right word) Hebrew word or something and I've looked it up to no avail (it shows up on arab or turkish websites, I think). But anyway, we instead pronounce it in the way Josh could say it, which is 'Mah-high-uh'. Apparently he didn't dislike it as I thought, and he said that's who she was.


Jan invited Josh to cut the cord, and I was coherent enough to demand a picture (although they did not get his face, which is sad). Eden was born at 10:51 pm, after about three and a half hours of labor.

She wasn't breathing that well, so they put her on oxygen for a bit. Josh stayed with her, and I was helped back to the bed to deliver the placenta. That was an odd feeling, and I wanted a good look at it before they took it away. I was afraid I'd have tears since it happened so fast, but there was just one tiny tear that wasn't even bleeding and I didn't need any stitches. I wanted to hold Eden and breastfeed her right away, but after she was warmed and dressed and pricked and all that (you should have seen Josh's indignation at the thermometer up her bum!), they took her to the nursery and put her in one of those oxygen tents. I was disappointed, but I'd rather she be breathing good. I really just wanted a shower, anyway. I don't think Jan wanted me up on my feet right away, but I just wanted to clean up. After my shower, they took me to the nursery to see her.

They said that as soon as I came in and started touching her, her heart rate slowed down. That made me happy. She knew who momma was. I took my hair down, since Josh had put it up horribly on top of my head and I looked like a moron. That was ok. They helped me breastfeed her for the first time, but they wanted to observe her on an hour of 'room air' after an hour of oxygen, so I went to move everything to our room. After the two hours, she was moved with us to our room. Josh had stayed with her the whole time.

( Pictures! A couple nakkie birth boobies. )